5.30 am getting teady for work...and I just realized that I can't do my usual morning walk to work.  Why?  Because I wouldn't be able to waddle fast enough to get there in time.  I'm sick, fat and stuffed as a Thanksgiving Turkey.  Lay me on my fat back cooked an ready with my fat pudgy legs in the air all ready for the carving leave the skin and fat, as there is plenty and only go for the lean, of which there is little (epecially in the breast area).

The food hangover is incredible this morning.  I could feel my blood pulsing, and heat rising off my body last night, and the painful tautness in my gut knowing I always hated this feeling but contitnue to make myself feel this way.  "There, that'll teach you to want to eat like the pigs you work with, live with, the ones who tell you you are wrong and too thin, and sick...this is what they are all the time...this way you are for one night.  this is how they always are...Aren't you glad you are USUALLY better than that?  Aren't you sorry to feel and act as they always do?  You should be!  No more food you little pig...get it through your fat fucking skull!"

My punishment...a loss of the feeling of purity, emptiness and thinness, and a much expected weight gain on the scale.  WHY do I keep fucking up?  And WHY am I so alone.  I try to talk to others like me and get very few reponses...most of the time none.  Why?  Because I'm too fat and stupid?  Or are they and just pretending to be the "elite anas"?  I met an ana in person in Ames, IA, and she was great.  We immediatley smiled and spoke to each other and bonded the minute I saw her when I walked in. Michelle.  She kicked ass.  There are some cool people at my group, and I've spoken to a couple via email...some less dedicated than others, some real nice, whatever...but just as it was in grade/high school...I'm considered a dork or a weirdo or whatever and for the most part rejected.  Every place I go...maybe I should take this pic down...too ugly and fat.  Fuck em all.  I'll keep my vigilance anyway, and keep writing my songs...this group, whether most are dicks or not, still deserves a loud mouth on their side...and as a musician I can do that.

I'll go back to my fasting and wait in silence for the manifestation of all that's pure.  Spirituality *SHIT*.  I got my own.